Thursday, July 21, 2011

A hug from heaven.

So, here’s what has been going through my mind since April 28, 2011.  Why that date?  It’s the day I got my acceptance letter into nursing school from OU, which I totally WAS NOT expecting.  At the end of the summer I will be giving up a career.  I’ve been a cop for the past 10 years.  It’s what I know.  It’s what I’m good at.  It’s where I’m comfortable.  I could do it with my eyes closed, well not really because that wouldn’t be very safe, but you get my point.  At the end of the summer I will be unemployed for the first time in my life since I was 16.  At the end of the summer, my family of six will be transitioning from two incomes down to one. 

Holy cow, it makes my heart skip a beat just typing those words. 

My husband is fantastic.  We have been preparing for these upcoming changes as much as humanly possible.  We have been financially getting ready for this transition since I began taking my nursing pre-reqs about 19 months ago.  However, I feel that all these changes are on my shoulders.  Lately I have felt the weight of the world coming down on me and I haven’t even started nursing school yet. 
If I fail, it’s on me.  If I can’t do it, it’s on me.  If I freak out and change my mind a year from now, it’s on me.  My husband would tell you otherwise and that we're in this together.  He has been amazingly supportive during this journey and there’s no way I could have come this far without him.  But when it comes down to it, I will be the one studying.  I will be the one taking exams that determine my fate.  I will be the one to pass or fail and it’s not just me that it will affect, it’s my entire family.  So like I said, IT’S ALL ON ME!
When people ask me if I’m ready for school to start, I say yes, but with a giant knot in my stomach.  Yes, I’m ready to get my feet wet.  I’m ready to get into a routine and figure out how this is all going to play out.  But it still makes me queasy when someone asks me about it. 
Now to my heaven sent hug…
Many of you reading this blog are from the Tulsa area.  If you are, then you probably know who I got my hug from.  The Tulsa Police Department lost one of our best in January, Jennifer Mansell.  Jen was diagnosed with breast cancer about ten years ago.  She fought hard, endured many grueling surgeries and treatments and was eventually in remission for several years. 
Her cancer came back a few years ago.  Once again Jen fought hard and courageously, but ultimately Jen had to leave us.  It was a big blow to our department, even though we all knew it was coming.  Jen was a well known officer.  She was probably the nicest and most genuine person I have ever known.  Everyone liked her.  She was a rock for us, even when we were the ones that needed to be comforted as she was getting sicker.  To fully explain the impact that Jennifer had on myself and many other people would take many, many pages, so you’re just going to have to take my word for it.  Jennifer was awesome!  There may be more blogs about Jennifer in the future, in fact I’m positive there will be.
Two nights ago I had a dream.  I was at some sort of police related function. I have no idea what it was because it was a dream and everything was very random and didn't make sense.  I was upset because I hadn't gotten picked as a role player for the end of the academy situationals with the rookies, who will be graduating this Friday.  Once again, none of this made sense because I haven't thought about our rookies or graduation lately.  But still, I was upset, I mean REALLY upset.  I could feel my chest tightening and I just couldn’t understand why this was happening to me. 
Side note for you non-police people:
Situationals are pretty much the last big hurdle you have to jump through before graduating from the academy.  It is two intense days where the academy class gets all gussied up in their shiny new uniforms and participate in numerous real life situations.  Other members of the department act as role players and it’s basically set up to be real life calls that our graduates might encounter out in the streets in just a few short days.  It’s intense.  It’s stressful.  It’s probably the one thing the rookies look forward to being finished with the most.  However, for the role players, it’s absolutely hilarious.  These poor rookies are under the gun and usually mess up terribly over and over and over.  Okay, back to my dream. 
There was a room full of people and everybody was busy and talking loud and walking around real fast and then everything kind of went into slow motion and I hear someone say, "Aaaash".  I immediately knew the voice.  It was comforting and familiar.  I looked over across the room and Jen was standing there in her Honor Guard uniform and she was holding out her arms. She said, "Come here girl."  I ran as fast as I could over to her and she wrapped her arms around me, hugging me tight.  She whispered in my ear that everything was going to be okay and just as quickly as she appeared, she was gone. I looked around the room and I knew that no one else had seen her.  In the dream, I just started crying my eyes out and the only person I could talk to in the room was a good friend of mine, Michelle, who was also just all of a sudden there with me.  I was crying hysterically and trying to explain what had happened.  Michelle hugged me and said, "I know, I didn't see her but I felt her hand and I was trying to pull her back and keep her here but she had to go."

This was the most real dream I have ever had. I could feel Jen's warm hug and it was so comforting. When I woke up I didn’t know whether I should cry or laugh.  I was so utterly happy that I got to see Jen again and hear her voice.  That's the one thing I have missed the most about her, that unmistakable voice!  I woke up feeling completely at peace.  For two days now, I haven’t been nervous about school at all.  I haven’t had that knot in my stomach.  I feel good.  I know I can make it through this even though it will probably be one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I don’t know why, but God sent Jennifer to me in my dream.  He knew I needed a visit from her and he knew she would make me feel better.  Thank you God and thank you Jen, it was unforgettable.

This is exactly how Jen looked in my dream.  Man I miss her.